Musings, complaints and sadness

Personal growth is a very hard thing. I slipped back into the “everything is going to hell in a hand basket” attitude last week and it’s so not a good place for me to be in.  The result was a very long tiresome, sleepless night the other night – 2 hours of sleep. –

Over the weekend my youngest Jaia and I went to the barn halloween/anniversary party that our old barn has every year. Jaia wanted to go because her favorite horse was available to ride and she wanted to go.  So I reluctantly agreed since I’ve been pushing that off since we switched barns.

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The parade was cute as always, although Jaia did not ride in it since she’d forgotten her costume at a friends house (halloween sleepover!). So she just wandered around the farm after trailing the parade. My friend got irate and told J she had to at least follow since wandering around the farm riding while everyone else was parading was “not cool”. Not too sure I follow her line of thinking since I think making Jaia follow the parade without actually participating made her feel a little left out. Especially since all the other participants got gifts. But by that time J had wandered off so probably doesn’t even know about the goodie bags.

I did enjoy the bonfire and talking with several of the old boarders I really liked – but guess to talked to me a grand total of 10 minutes? Right – the barn owner – who was so depressed and angry and upset that we left.  I have to admit that I did NOT want to go to the party. But I went because Jaia wanted to ride and my husband pointed out that I should go maintain that friendship if we really truly are friends. As a person who is trying to grow and open up – I went.

I guess I am more hurt by the fact that she only talked to me for several minutes – the snub as you will – than I realized.  This was the barn where we got our first horse, where we spend hours upon hours simply because we wanted to. The barn we left because we could NOT have our own trainer – The owner was not okay with that – so yes we left directly because of her decision. Maybe she was pissed because the other boarders were asking about our new barn, what Rowan does there. She rides dressage – because that barn allows our trainer to come to us there even though she doesn’t board her own horse there.

She sat around the fire several times  – talking with other boarders. She sat with me all of 10 minutes where she asked about Rowan. Rowan didn’t go – didn’t want to – she doesn’t feel connected to the girls there and honestly hasn’t put any effort into those friendships (which we’ve talked about) but you know  – it’s HARD to put effort into a friendship when you feel left out, like no one likes you. I DON’T  think my friend realizes this and assumes all the issues re Rowan’s – UMM nope honey – I”ve watched the girls – they don’t accept Row. and IT SUCKS. They had all been friends once.

I left without saying good bye – I’m not sure if I’m imaging in the snub – but that’s sure how it felt.  Oh well – Moving barns was growth in itself and truth reveals itself sooner or later.

Like I said – Personal growth sucks.

 

 

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